my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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