Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
