I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
