im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
