i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
