It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
