just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
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