I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Soap is not a condiment
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
