I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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