The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
