I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
