Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
