There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
This baby is an asshole
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Randomize
