Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
