where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
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