If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
