I just pynch a tree in the face
grandma shit on top of the toilet
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
