After last night, I could never be a politician.
Buhtt sex?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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