im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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