I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
