I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
