college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
The police scanner is talking about you again....
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
