I'm going to jail i love you
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
