how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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