Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
