You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
