Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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