just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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