Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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