She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Randomize
