I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
