just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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