the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
