Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
This can only be settled by a dance off.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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