Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
