I looked at my own cervix.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
