Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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