Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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