Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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