my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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