A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
