I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
