the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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