She is in my trunk
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
i believe in u and ur pee
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
