We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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