Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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