she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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