so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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