he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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