He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
