and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
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